CT Colonoscopy is a special treat from a wonderful oncologist - Susan Morrison

The NHS has decided to take a rootle up my jacksie to check things out. These are the correct medical terms. A nasty tumour once took up residence there, so they’ve kept an eye on my rear. Well, I suppose it’s nice that someone is interested.
Susan Morrison
By Susan Morrison
Published 1st Mar 2024, 07:00 BST
Yes, there was a video with her colonoscopy instructions, says Susan Morrison, but she 'accidentally recorded an episode of Inspector Morse over it'Yes, there was a video with her colonoscopy instructions, says Susan Morrison, but she 'accidentally recorded an episode of Inspector Morse over it'
Yes, there was a video with her colonoscopy instructions, says Susan Morrison, but she 'accidentally recorded an episode of Inspector Morse over it'

Now, normally, a colonoscopy is a straightforward procedure, involving a disgusting drink, a bit of a clear out and a camera poked up for a look-see. The stuff they give you to drink is foul, of course. Modern medicine is a wonder and a marvel, but it still can’t create anything that tastes remotely pleasant. Its effects are spectacular. Trust me, should you find yourself taking the Moviprep Spa option, invest in the loo roll with balm. You are going to need it.

It clears out everything. At the end of the last fun round, I felt like one of those inflatable figures outside a car showroom. Imagine my pride when my official report came back stating “Moviprep use good”. That, I thought, is going on my Fringe posters.

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This time it’s different. My wonderful oncologist announced that as a treat, I was going to have a CT Colonoscopy. It could be that I have enough stars on my NHS points card or something.

Turns out, this involves a whole other drink and procedure. We read these new instructions together, he and I. Nothing brings out the romance in a relationship than reading the dosages and diet requirements for a colonoscopy together.

There was a time when it was candlelit dinners, sweet whispered nothings and stolen kisses, but now he’s carefully reading out when I should take the required doses, alerting me to the danger of sudden cramps and reminding me I should stay near the toilet.

Well, he did say “in sickness and in health”, a vow he has stuck to with Gorilla Glue-like resolution even though there is no surviving evidence. Yes, there was a video, but I accidentally recorded an episode of “Inspector Morse” over it.

The instructions also say I should only drink clear fluids the evening prior. Well, gin is clear, isn’t it?